Sunday, July 07, 2002

The past couple of days have been very confusing. I can't say why. I can't be specific. But I have to write something or I will go crazy. It's very hard to deal with certain situations sometimes, no matter how mature you delude yourself to be. Sometimes you ask yourself, how can something that feels good be so bad, and makes you feel guilty? Then you realize that it's that way a lot of times. Steaks and crispy pata tastes great, but I haven't eaten them in a long time because they can be bad for you. And you feel guilty for eating them because you know it will have pretty bad consequences.

Yesterday was pretty tough. I had to wade through a lot of flooded streets just to get to my apartment from Nil's place, pack my stuff and head on to the bus terminal to get back home to San Pablo City. It had been raining all last night and all day. All the while I had been struggling with a lot of very strong emotions, much of it were not related at all to my current dilemma of just getting home in the midst of all that flooded mess. I haven't had much sleep, I haven't eaten breakfast and lunch and perhaps my judgment was seriously impaired, but I came close to doing something that I might have regretted. I thought of Ilyn and as always, thinking of her always makes me want to do the right thing.

I got home, dealt with mail, made some calls, and just plopped into bed for a long sleep.